I Never Saw it Coming

It came blindly through
This train
It had no lights or sirens
This train
Yet it came harshly, and swift

And ran over only my heart
Leaving the rest if my body empty
And broken
But not numb

This train
It ran through with such force
And fierce determination
And I couldn’t move
Still I never saw it coming

The ground afterwards was littered
With broken dreams and shattered pieces of my heart
Strewn around the rocks
Like crumbs waiting for the vultures to come
And pick away at the remains…
Those were my friends once

It left no life behind
This train
Only the screeching of the iron wheels
That sliced my life
Into pieces I can not put back straight
Not without you

I stand staring at the tracks
And the shiny skid marks left behind
In the aftermath of the …
Ride
This train, it came through
So bold and strong and sure
Did he know I was underneath?

Swimming Along

just when I feel safe

someone reminds me I need a life preserver

but I can swim farther from shore now

and the water feels a bit warmer …

I took diving lessons when I was small

ripping into the water with hardly a splash

but then the boys would yell “cannon ball!” and we’d get drenched

sometimes the splash would force me under and I’d spin upside down

and search wildly for the surface and come up gasping for breath

I don’t swim there any more…

the big boys don’t swim in the kiddy pool

so I stay in the shallow water

where it’s safe

and I can’t drown…

but I miss the freedom of deep water

and the rushing adrenalin of riding the white cap waves

that rush of nearly being under water

while your heart is on fire with utter bliss

that keeps just enough afloat

to swim further

until that next “cannon ball” cry comes

and you spin around under water again…

maybe only waist deep this time…

Those Were My Friends

I used to love chocolate
He was like a brand new chocolate bar
wrapped all pretty and smelling deliciious
but in the daylight
he melted
into a dirty mess
and ruined everything he touched…
His new playmate is good for him…
she can keep him contained with her plastic smile
in the little baggie he lives for…
but chocolate never tastes as good after it melts
it’s better to throw it away…

I used to love window shopping…
walking past all the displays
each with their own smiling fans,
motionless and selfish as they coax you in…
“look at me!”, “Buy this!”, “Aren’t I beautiful?!”
they remind me of my friends…
well, his friends…
plastic, frozen and wearing the same damn smile
some of them forever
but never warm…
and never looking at you… really looking at you
and if you fall right in front of them…
they don’t move – even the smile remains
and they hold steadfast right where they were…
so I walk past them now,
not even bothering to see the sale
and I have become rich…

I’ve always loved dancing…
but he made it work…
stealing time from me like a fire backdraft
sucking out the oxygen before you see it
and then pushing it back at you…
and burning you before you knew
it would hurt…
but he was just smoke and mirrors…
so I found the old shoes,
a little tight, but still strong
and I lift my arms and breathe
deep inhale as my arm graces across my chest
and floats down like the autumn leaves…
and glide forward… effortlessly, without needing to remember
and now it’s time to dance…
because I have the lead…

Plastic and Air

My skin feels thicker these days…

I look back and I can see the fall leaves on the path I just walked through…

the leaves that fell during the summer, brown and breaking under my feet

they left crumbs and brittle sticks where my feet had been…  but then I turned

off the beaten path… to a new road ahead

the leaves in front of me are beautiful shades of red and gold

spinnng up and twirling and dancing in the air as my feet push through them

making a glorious display of color and beauty as I walk

surrounding me with … a passion for life

I think of where I walked a year ago

my life was brittle and cracking…

my friends all plastic and unmoving…

it was like walking through a department store after hours

people standing there smiling as you walk by… but when you get close

you see they’re just plastic pictures of people, looking interested

but none of them real or talking

some of them with cracks and chips

others with pretty clothes and accessories

but still hard to the touch and no heartbeat…

and the floor was cold and flat… and my footsteps echoed

those were my friends…

I can’t wait to see where I go next… the life I see outside… looks alive and

embracing.

I think I’ll skip for a while…

 

Smiling

I can smile again…

and dance for me, not you

I can make it to the end of the day without a memory creeping in

or even a flirting pang of anger or remorse

just the day that I have today

and what will be tomorrow…

 

I saw you yesterday

standing on a street corner

and I laughed as I rolled by…

not caring who you were waiting for or where you were going

because it is not the same place as me.

I am moving forward

ahead and up… with passion and structure

while you wallow in your beastly addiction

afraid to be alone and terrified of your own thoughts

 

I made a new friend today

and smiled just because it felt so… normal

I am flying

far above the woes of the train wreck you left behind

long rusted on that old road I have not been on since

and not really caring to look for it

 

I am free

I am happy

I am me

 

Painfully Numb

I want to escape the pain
but temporary cites only loosen the tourniquet
and I have only tears
to replace the blood that left
and refuses to drain into numbness

A numbness I pray for
but cannot find,
no matter how foul the force
that I offer to sell myself to,
he will not return
and grant me the grace
of painfully numb

instead I sit tortured
awake, even during sleep
to feel every moment of every day
like walking on a tiny sliver of glass
in too deep…
that constant field of glass memories
each a painful sliver
too deep to remove
and too painful to keep

Even sleep will not suffocate me
and free my soul
for that precious time,
where Gods and Deamons fight
for the reality of your thoughts,
and grant the rest
of painfully numb

I try to hate,
the venomous deal you make with yourself
to never return,
and flee from the bliss of glory and love
tortuous memories they are
but I stumble and
fall deep into the well,
a free fall of endless fear
and gnawing of bottomless pain…
too deep
for painfully numb

Whales are Perfect: A random stream of consciousness

Why do people do stupid things? Why do men play games and somehow think its making things better? If humans are so advanced, why do we still hurt each other? Whales are perfect. They’re more intelligent than humans though we don’t know exactly how much more intelligent, because we don’t know – they’re too smart for us. They’re monogamous too. Do you think they get divorced or commit adultery? I wonder if their pods have spats and love quarrels… Like, is the pissed off female swimming ahead and leaving the male sulking at the back if the pod as they make their way north during migration? Is she thinking “I hope you swim right into a cold stream and freeze your dorsal fin off!’? Or are they just happy that they have each other and the thought of hurting someone on purpose is primitive much less common place. Or is that why they beach themselves… We really don’t know why they do that. If there is reincarnation, I want to be a whale next. Or maybe a cow…

Did you know cows are not sentient? They have no send if “self”. So they don’t do selfish things. Does that mean they don’t feel the need to do stupid things that hurt other cows just to see what its like and make sure what they’ve got is really the best they can get? If self is not a factor, then there’s no need to care if the other girl wants to steal you away or not – because she has no agenda either, no self. So that’s why they’re always so calm I suppose. They don’t care who’s sleeping where or which patch of grass they’re eating g from. Maybe I’ll be a cow. Although those hot irons they burn to your butt are pretty tough to go with. Maybe a mountain lion.

Lions are proud and feared. And there’s only one man around for miles and none of the women care who he’s with. They just let him lie around and if you feel like walking up and licking his neck, you do that. If not – let someone else. No one cares. The king of the jungle – the top cat. They help their kids grow up strong, fiercely protective but willing to let them go and explore new places. Do you think they live vicariously through their children like we do? And when they return, they’re welcome. But they don’t hurt anyone. Not on purpose. They’re so proud and strong…

but…Maybe just a fence post. Stand straight and tall. Ever stoic. Never feeling the wind or cold. Folks can jump on top of your head and it doesn’t matter, or stomp on your heart and nothing hurts. Nothing phases you. No one wants to play games and no one wants to replace you just because they’re mad at some silly bird that pooped on your shoulder. Yes, that’s what I want to be .. A fence post.

Love So Strong

Its hard to believe
A love so strong
Can just end
Like the last bite of a peanut butter sandwich
It sticks there even though its gone
There must be more…
last crumbs on the plate
are hardly a suitable dessert
The pit if my stomach knows too

But if I hold my breath
I can taste the sweetness
On the roof of my mouth
Still smooth as it stays there
No matter how hard I try to brush it away

The empty plate is cold
And stares back with a menacing smile
And dares to rob me of that sweet memory
But I can’t it let go

Its hard to believe
a love so strong
is just over
Like when there’s only one cookie left
You can’t just leave it there
You may as well just end it and take the last one
Its better to just know they’re gone
Than to think you only get a small piece
While the other girl has a brand new box
Unopened and new

But if I throw away the package
and smash it in the trash
I can relish,
for just an instant…
that the broken package
hurts as much as I do
and I’m not alone

but the package laughs
it’s bright colors streaming
like when I held his hand
and it doesn’t matter how far down
I press the box
it sits there empty
like my heart…

It’s hard to believe
a love so strong…