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I Never Saw it Coming

It came blindly through
This train
It had no lights or sirens
This train
Yet it came harshly, and swift

And ran over only my heart
Leaving the rest if my body empty
And broken
But not numb

This train
It ran through with such force
And fierce determination
And I couldn’t move
Still I never saw it coming

The ground afterwards was littered
With broken dreams and shattered pieces of my heart
Strewn around the rocks
Like crumbs waiting for the vultures to come
And pick away at the remains…
Those were my friends once

It left no life behind
This train
Only the screeching of the iron wheels
That sliced my life
Into pieces I can not put back straight
Not without you

I stand staring at the tracks
And the shiny skid marks left behind
In the aftermath of the …
Ride
This train, it came through
So bold and strong and sure
Did he know I was underneath?

Painfully Numb

I want to escape the pain
but temporary cites only loosen the tourniquet
and I have only tears
to replace the blood that left
and refuses to drain into numbness

A numbness I pray for
but cannot find,
no matter how foul the force
that I offer to sell myself to,
he will not return
and grant me the grace
of painfully numb

instead I sit tortured
awake, even during sleep
to feel every moment of every day
like walking on a tiny sliver of glass
in too deep…
that constant field of glass memories
each a painful sliver
too deep to remove
and too painful to keep

Even sleep will not suffocate me
and free my soul
for that precious time,
where Gods and Deamons fight
for the reality of your thoughts,
and grant the rest
of painfully numb

I try to hate,
the venomous deal you make with yourself
to never return,
and flee from the bliss of glory and love
tortuous memories they are
but I stumble and
fall deep into the well,
a free fall of endless fear
and gnawing of bottomless pain…
too deep
for painfully numb

Whales are Perfect: A random stream of consciousness

Why do people do stupid things? Why do men play games and somehow think its making things better? If humans are so advanced, why do we still hurt each other? Whales are perfect. They’re more intelligent than humans though we don’t know exactly how much more intelligent, because we don’t know – they’re too smart for us. They’re monogamous too. Do you think they get divorced or commit adultery? I wonder if their pods have spats and love quarrels… Like, is the pissed off female swimming ahead and leaving the male sulking at the back if the pod as they make their way north during migration? Is she thinking “I hope you swim right into a cold stream and freeze your dorsal fin off!’? Or are they just happy that they have each other and the thought of hurting someone on purpose is primitive much less common place. Or is that why they beach themselves… We really don’t know why they do that. If there is reincarnation, I want to be a whale next. Or maybe a cow…

Did you know cows are not sentient? They have no send if “self”. So they don’t do selfish things. Does that mean they don’t feel the need to do stupid things that hurt other cows just to see what its like and make sure what they’ve got is really the best they can get? If self is not a factor, then there’s no need to care if the other girl wants to steal you away or not – because she has no agenda either, no self. So that’s why they’re always so calm I suppose. They don’t care who’s sleeping where or which patch of grass they’re eating g from. Maybe I’ll be a cow. Although those hot irons they burn to your butt are pretty tough to go with. Maybe a mountain lion.

Lions are proud and feared. And there’s only one man around for miles and none of the women care who he’s with. They just let him lie around and if you feel like walking up and licking his neck, you do that. If not – let someone else. No one cares. The king of the jungle – the top cat. They help their kids grow up strong, fiercely protective but willing to let them go and explore new places. Do you think they live vicariously through their children like we do? And when they return, they’re welcome. But they don’t hurt anyone. Not on purpose. They’re so proud and strong…

but…Maybe just a fence post. Stand straight and tall. Ever stoic. Never feeling the wind or cold. Folks can jump on top of your head and it doesn’t matter, or stomp on your heart and nothing hurts. Nothing phases you. No one wants to play games and no one wants to replace you just because they’re mad at some silly bird that pooped on your shoulder. Yes, that’s what I want to be .. A fence post.

Love So Strong

Its hard to believe
A love so strong
Can just end
Like the last bite of a peanut butter sandwich
It sticks there even though its gone
There must be more…
last crumbs on the plate
are hardly a suitable dessert
The pit if my stomach knows too

But if I hold my breath
I can taste the sweetness
On the roof of my mouth
Still smooth as it stays there
No matter how hard I try to brush it away

The empty plate is cold
And stares back with a menacing smile
And dares to rob me of that sweet memory
But I can’t it let go

Its hard to believe
a love so strong
is just over
Like when there’s only one cookie left
You can’t just leave it there
You may as well just end it and take the last one
Its better to just know they’re gone
Than to think you only get a small piece
While the other girl has a brand new box
Unopened and new

But if I throw away the package
and smash it in the trash
I can relish,
for just an instant…
that the broken package
hurts as much as I do
and I’m not alone

but the package laughs
it’s bright colors streaming
like when I held his hand
and it doesn’t matter how far down
I press the box
it sits there empty
like my heart…

It’s hard to believe
a love so strong…

The Nightmare

I feel like I’m in a nightmare
With no way out
Sleep used to be an escape
And now even that is stolen

The visions so clear
And memories sharp like glass
That cut through my heart
And leave me there
Bleeding but not dead

Wounded just enough to feel
But not mercifully numb
The pain is complete and endless
Haunting my every breath
Leaving me incapable of thought
Except the bile of the dream

What have I become?
A waif of a girl
Unable to move
Unable to smile
Unable to sleep

This nightmare is so complete
I cannot tell sleep from wake
The pain is all the same
and thoughts are constant and unforgiving
When can I wake up?

My friends have all become deamons
Menacing reminders of my broken life
Laughing and pointing at my pain
Fragments of me that are black now
With no one left to bribe peace from the devil

All I have – everything
trapped in the dream
The nightmare.

I Want to be Old

Oh to be young again
not me
I want to be old and wise
too wise to allow myself
the freedom of shameless love
and too old to care

Oh to be a child again
not me
I want to be bald and wrinkled
too wrinkled
to worry if he looked at me
or another just beyond my sight
lest he leave me for her
and too tired to care

Oh to be blissfully in love again
not me
I want to have an old man
sitting next to me
safe that he will always stay
and not leave behind
a broken heart
and too old to find another

Oh to be young and unaware
not me
I want to be wary and strong
so wary that no one comes in
to chance that hurt again
and too hardened to worry
until I’m too old to care

Who said the younger years were grand?
I prefer purple!

Today I will be Strong

Today will be different
I will be strong
And proud
And determined to be me

The me I was before
Before the fight and the party and the other girl
But wait…no
The me before that

The me before I knew there was anything more than
The joy of dance
And applause
The me that thought love was a silly crush
When I had no time

No time for heart ache
Or the caress from his hand on my arm
Just to let me know he was there and thinking of me

No! Today I will be strong
Stronger than before.
Because I have loved
And because I have learned how hard you must become
To endure

To endure that innocence that is so fiercely taken
But makes you stronger
Today I am stronger…
Stronger than yesterday
Because I am the better person
A better person
A stronger person

She Can Smile

She smiles in her sleep
and then I can smile too
assured she will survive
until later, when I hear her tears

the days are long
and painful…
but they heal
like only time can

I am so helpless
I want to grab him and YELL
or shame him into admitting his guilt
but it won’t change anything
I cannot help this time
we share that merciless grief

I want to wrap her up in a blanket
like when she was so small
and rock her into sleep
just holding her until
her breathing steadies
and her body stops the shuddering
from hours of endless tears

So now what?
We go back to normal…
but normal is too painful
normal was him
and normal is dark

So we start new!
We dance!
Dancing was hers
before…
it was the normal before

She will dance differently now
more passionate
yet more reserved
daring not dance for anyone
except dance itself

dance is freedom
it is that breathless race
to reach the stars and kiss the moon
all with the world spinning around you
and seems far away

and she can smile